Saturday, July 26, 2014

Bmcooney's Houseguest Beatdown

It's been a little while since the first one. Not very "Weekly" is it? They haven't really given me much reason to change opinions on any of them, but I'll rank the ones who are left. This could be interesting. Here we go, in no particular fucking order whatsoever!

Jocasta: This chick doesn't do a whole *hell* of a lot, but she is absolutely hilarious. She's like a caricature of female minister from the south. Initially I thought she'd be all up tight and religious, but she can be fun..... Wait... What? She was speaking in tongues during the Battle of the Block?... Can I keep her?

She basically lays around doing nothing, and she's still here, and she'll probably make it to Jury. Especially if Jesus keeps making Donny win PoV's for her. #JCIsMyHoH - If she ever gets evicted the house better fill with Locusts, this season needs SOMETHING interesting to happen!

Ranking: 6 Exorcisms of Jocasta Odom out of 10

Cody: I was starting to get some faith in Cody as a player until he won HoH. PLEASE make more useless bitch ass moves, Brittany and What's her name? OH.. smart. Yeah, they're super dangerous. Like Darkwing Duck. Wait...... that Vagazzle chick won PoV?! Great opportunity to backdoor Caleb! Genius! YOU PUT UP DONNY!? #GoTheFuckHome

Ranking: 5 Completely Useless Decisions out of 10

Zach: Is this guy supposed to be our Villain? He might be the closest thing we have this season, but put him on any OTHER season and he immediately becomes a little bitch. He's entertaining for the most part, but he's no legendary player like some people seem to think he is. He has potential to make it pretty far in this game, but that's only because most of this cast is completely useless. His showmance with Frankie is, however, mildly amusing.

Ranking: 8 Leaked Sex Tapes With Frankie out of 10

Frankie: He is a fucking rollercoaster of distaste. At the beginning, I hated him, then he started to grow on me, then I realized noooope, nope, nope. He's annoying, he's a diva, he's a fan of the show, and he should know how to play the game better. He ended up on Team America, he was given the task of getting together with the other members of TA and making sure a PHYSICAL THREAT gets nominated, aaaaand he decided on AMBER?! and CBS gave them a win? Fucking no. BAD CBS! BAD FRANKIE! GO TO YOUR ROOMS! What is wrong with these people? Last season was a clusterfuck of over the top bullshit, and this season everyone's playing it safe, and has no idea what they're doing. Can we PLEASE get a middle ground?

Frankie at this rate could possibly leave (soon) because people KNOW he has the potential to make it far, he's not doing a very good job of securing his place in the end. Then again, apparently threats aren't threatening. So... they'll keep him as long as possible.

Ranking: 7.5 #1 Singles That No One Cares About out of 10

Victoria: Who the shit is Victoria?

Ranking: 0 Fucks Given out of Absolutely Nothing.

Nicole: I think Nicole really has a handle on this game. Nicole for me has been what I hoped Christine would be. She's the super fan, she's playing the game, knows what she's doing, acts like she doesn't, she's smart, and has a great social game. Really high hopes for her, and she goes well with Hayden.

Ranking: 9 Giant Novelty Weiners-On-A-Stick out of 10

Hayden: This pedicab driver is not at all when anyone expected him to be. I thought he was going to be this seasons David Girton, and thank Jocasta I was wrong. He's hilarious, seems like a load of fun, makes for some good feeds, and he's not bad at the game. I see absolutely no reason why he shouldn't make final 5.

Ranking: 8 Manual People Delivery Services out of 10

Derrick: Derrick hasn't been afraid to make moves in this game which is a rarity (even though it was probably the wrong move), so I'm glad he's decided to stay and keep playing in light of recent events. I think he's one of the few people who knows how to play this game, and is conscious of how much this season sucks and bores people. I think he still has great potential.

Ranking: 9 Ridiculously Boring Season's of Big Brother out of 10

Caleb: Caleb is the reason women all across the globe carry Pepper Spray. The only moves he's made in this game are on Amber, and he's not even good at those ones. He is however really good at giving us material to roast him with. Like claiming he's gonna drag Amber out to the woods for a date when they get out of the house. Yeah I bet you are. He best not win, but he'll probably make at least F6 if they keep giving him free passes like this.

Ranking: 6 Life Alert's out of 10

Christine: Why are all of my favourites so fucking disappointing? I don't wanna lose all faith, please do SOMETHING. Like, fuck. I have to rank you lower than CALEB.

Ranking: 4 Disappointing Fan Favourites out of 10

Amber: Sounds like Amber might be in a lot of Jeopardy this week, for no reason at all, other than these people have no idea what they're doing. She's done nothing to anyone. Sure she has potential to win some comps, but she is far from the right game move to make at this point. If she survives eviction I feel like she might come off the radar for a bit, but her days are numbered regardless.

Ranking: 6 Endangered Housguests out of 10

Donny: I think Donny has surprised everyone in his ability to not only play and understand this game, but to win competitions all while staying off most peoples radar, and seeming completely harmless, and unintelligent. He could actually win this game. I regret judging this book by it's cover and not putting him on my draft team. He may be the most liked HG in the history of Big Brother, and with good reason. He's hilarious.

Ranking: 9 Genuinely Adorable Old Bearded Southern Men out of 10

As there's not a whole lot of anything at all changing in the house from week to week, I'll do this every couple of weeks - Otherwise it's probably gonna say the same thing every week with one less name to read.

Season Ranking: 3 out of 16 - There's only 2 seasons that have ever been worse than the one we're all forcing ourselves to keep watching right now.

1 comment:

  1. You have them all correct especially caleb that made my night pepper spray lmao..derrick for the win but I have hayden and christine in my work pool so we will hope for the best


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