Thursday, June 26, 2014

Bmcooney's Weekly Houseguest Beatdown - Week One

Hey! I'm Bmcooney, and this is my new weekly guest article here on The Big Brother Insider, fuck yeah! (Team AMERICAAA). Basically every week I'm going to give you a run down of each Houseguest currently left in the game, and rank them on a completely random, but (in)appropriate scale out of 10. I'll let you know how I think each one is playing, and what their odds of winning are. Let's begin, shall we?

Amber: She wasn't awful in the HoH comp, outlasted a few people. She was smart enough to know that winning HoH could be dangerous. She is a founding member of the All Girls alliance (which was all the rave in the pre-season interviews), but why the FUCK is it called El Quatro? It's a female alliance. Elle Quatro makes WAY more sense. UGH, Stupid. And like it's not a total rip-off of THE Quatro from BBCAN season 1? Lame.

Rating: 5  Disappointing Donut Bathing Suits out of 10

Brittany: She's the Mom, but I no longer think she's gonna play the Mom role in the game. I would really like to see her be a part of this girls alliance, but also a solid side alliance with Derrick. She seems really nice, and she could rock an endurance competition. Not the smartest HG, but she could do okay if she plays her cards right.

Rating: 6.5 Faked Labours to get out of Speeding Tickets out of 10

Caleb: He has no idea how BB works, he comes off as abrasive, threatening, unfriendly, and he's playing far too hard, too fast. If his team wins this Battle of the Block, I can see him being a replacement nominee and leaving.

Rating: 3.5 Obvious Objects To Use As A Rating System For Caleb out of 10

Christine: She's apparently a nudist. That's interesting. She's a nerd girl, superfan of the show, appreciative of her chance to play the game, smart, and willing to do whatever it takes to win. Easy pick to win or at least make final 5.

Rating: 9 Nerdy, Clothing Optional Stars out of 10

Cody: He's apparently just eye-candy for Paola & Frankie. The internet is pretty convinced he's gay. Either way he has a solid showmance, and showmance name. Hook up with Paola and we can call them Caola (Cowla). Hook up w/ Frankie and we can call them Crankie. Both are fun. Otherwise, he hasn't been all that interesting. He has potential to be a comp beast, and make jury though. Only reason he has fans is because people want his D. He brings nothing decent to the table. He's a bore. (not THAT kind of boar, Caleb!)

Rating: 6 Inappropriate Scissor-Poses out of 10

Derrick: He worked as an undercover cop. Has masqueraded as a drug dealer to bust criminals. He's in this to win money for his family which is gonna be a huge driving force for him in the game. He seems smart, and I can't wait to see what he brings to the game.

Rating: 9 J-Walking Tickets out of 10

Devin: Devin is being sought after by Amber, but she's not his type. He's super into Joey, which seems like a weird pairing, but all the power to him. It's a shame he can't hook up with Amber though. We could dub them DAYUMber. Lost opportunity. He did really poorly in the HoH comp, but that's because he's a fucking rhino tank. He could go REALLY early just because he's so huge and threatening. Creating an unsuspecting alliance with Donny, a superfan, could prove smart though. Like the way Jon used Neda.

Rating: 6 Drooling Cat Ladies on Twitter out of a solid 10

Donny: What isn't to love about Donny? He's likeable, not much of a threat, perfect person to take to final 3, or final 2. He's goofy, hilarious, and a superfan of the show. Do I think he'll win? No, but I really don't see anyone disliking him enough to nominate him any time soon. He's got a good run ahead of him.

Rating: 8 Charming Janitorial Mop Buckets out of 10

Frankie: First of all, we should get used to Frankie. We could be controlling him in this Team America (FUCK YEAH!) twist for quite a while. His DRs have been entertaining, he won the first HoH comp, so we know he has potential. I don't think he can win, but I DO think he'll at least make it to early Jury. Don't hate on him too much yet, let's see what he can do. I don't care if his sister is famous, as long as his fans buy live feeds from me.

Rating: 7 OMG ILY < 3 FRANKIE Tween Ass Bitches out of 10

Hayden: He seems a LOT different from what I expected. He's not stupid, he has what it takes to win competitions, and he's actually very entertaining. I can DEFINITELY see him making Jury at least.

Rating: 8 Fancy Flower Hats out of 10

Jocasta: LAAAARD JESUS THANK YOU! We have a Jameka with a sense of humor. She seems like she's a lot of fun, but this is not the right place for a minister. She's gonna have a REALLY hard time. This is not a place for people who have morals.

Rating: 4 Colourful Bowties out of 10

Joey: Dat hair doe. Seriously. Her DRs so far have been "meh". She didn't do well in the comp, she's in the all girls alliance (which I don't have any faith in), she seems like she's probably gonna cry a lot, and she's not likely to do much. I know a lot of people love her, and I'm sure she's an awesome person, I just don't think she has it in her. Pre-Jury. Team America could really screw with her game.

Rating: 4 Gifs of Homer Simpson Accidentally Mistaking Her Hair For A Hedge out of 10

Nicole: She's adorable. A lot of people hate her voice, I did at first too, but I think it suits her. She's a fan of the game, I can see her making some solid alliances, and I know she'll appreciate the experience no matter how long she's in the house. She won't win, but she'll be of some entertainment.

Rating: 6 "Team Ian" T-shirts of 10

Paola: This chick is gonna cause SO MUCH SHIT. I can't wait. She was bashing HGs before she was even cast on the show. She has a giant bag of fucks, and it's always been empty. She named the "El Quatro" Girls Alliance however, so she loses points for missing out on a lovely pun. She's either gonna piss people off and go in the first couple weeks, or make final 5. I guess we shall see. Good feeds though. ( And we all know she's found a jack shack already where she can play "DJ" with herself and dream of Cody)

Rating: 7.5 Raging Lady Boners out of 10

Victoria: Please. You're the hottest girl in the house? You sound like Jessie, and you look like a dumb ass. She doesn't have a whole lot going on for this game. She won't make it to jury. Not unless Frankie drags her there. Sorry, but the princess is in another castle.

Rating: 2  Frequently Kidnapped Princesses Out of 10

Zach: Everyone thought he was gonna be this smooth-talking, manipulative mastermind, I never saw it, I didn't get it, and I was right. Not even a few hours into the game and he can't keep his fucking mouth shut. Good luck in the Battle of the Block this week. You're out of there pre-jury either way. Way to go, slick.

Rating: 3.5 False Fan Hopes out of 10

If you enjoyed this weeks Houseguest Beatdown, don't fret too much, there'll be a new one next week. If you can't wait until then you can follow me on Twitter @Bmcooney and make sure you check out my Big Brother website by going to!



  2. Spot on in your assessment of Christine and Derrick!


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